Now, my family usually gets together for the Christmas holiday. Granted, we really don’t exchange gifts anymore since we’ve all outgrown that, and there are few kids left to celebrate the holiday with, so we just get together, laugh and eat.
This Christmas we sat around a long table and prepared the Mexican favorite tamales for our Christmas meal. We usually banter about, maybe gossip, remember the old days and so on. But the curious part about my family — and there are probably many families out there like ours — is the colorful conversations we have. Mostly, it’s how these conversations are formulated and delivered that is the stuff of lore.
So, while I expected much more bounty in this respect, there wasn’t a lot of note-taking this Christmas. It didn’t help I’m still worn out by the nearly 2,000-mile drive from Central Coast in California to South Texas, and the fact that I took a Benadryl to combat my allergic reaction to pork from the early breakfast.
But I jotted down a few nuggets I overheard, and took some notes from another cousin who took it upon himself to make notes of the things that were said before Christmas day. So I’ll attempt to set up the situation, then deliver the whoppers.
THE FIRE PIT
When gathered around a fire pit, one relative was struck with a brilliant idea …
“All we need are to roast mushrooms.” … Uh, marshmallows?
“Who is Bob Marley? Is he one of the Righteous Brothers?”
ON ADULT HEALTH CAR(E)?
“He was her car-taker.”
When I arrived in Texas earlier this week, I badly needed to do laundry, so I threw a load into the washer and went about my business. Well, I was so glued to my email and Facebook that I didn’t hear the washing machine stop. So when I realized the load was finished washing, I exclaimed, “Oh, shit!” Then I proceeded to place the damp clothes into the dryer, at which point my relative said:
“Make sure you check the linen” tray. Yeah, she meant to say “lint.”
ON UPS DELIVERY
We had a knock on our apartment door and as it turned out it was the UPS delivery dudes working late. We received a smallish box that I signed for and I gave it to my cousin. On the side of the box it read “Zappos” and was addressed to my other relative… OK, my aunt.
We were trying to figure out what in the world would fit in such a tiny box since Zappos was generally an online shoe store.
Cousin: “Mom, what did you order from Zappos?
Aunt: “I didn’t. Patti sent it as a present for (other cousins name). Maybe it’s a lighter.”
Cousin: “Mom. That’s Zippo, this is Zappos.”
ON SODA CONSUMPTION
Cousin: “Do you need more lice?” … Yeah, she meant “ice.”
Aunt: “You need a half of a half.” … So, like a quarter cup?
ON SYFY MOVIE “THE DOME”
Aunt: Is that “The Dorm?”
From previous conversations with the clan:
Aunt: “They had a home invention on the next street over because you never know. There’s a lot of stage houses.” … It’s “home invasion,” and it’s “stash house.”
Aunt: “I’m going to eat at The Olive Oil.” … Olive Garden, yo!
Aunt: “Cause I like to watch this cartoon, too, ‘The Fall Guy.’ ” … Uh, Family Guy?
ON THE FIRST MEAL OF THE DAY
Aunt: “I’m gonna make my favorite breakfast: sperm and eggs.” … I’m pretty sure she meant Spam.